


A T-Bomb on Your Head

by xSoliloquy



Series: Duo's Intervention [2]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Abuse of Forks, Abuse of Fowl, Abuse of Nature, Crack, Creative Use of Explosives, Duo is Insane, Duo is Jealous, Gen, Humor, Intervention, M/M, OOC for Crackness, Relena Bashing, Relena is at her most annoying banshee best, Thanksgiving, Trowa/Quatre if you squint, Zechs is kind of an ass, crackity crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-10
Updated: 2008-12-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 19:29:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2121954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xSoliloquy/pseuds/xSoliloquy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone is addicted to something. Throw in a bored Duo Maxwell with access to explosives and no supervision. You have a serious problem.</p><p>This is Heero's intervention. It's set during Thanksgiving, Relena and Zechs come for the meal. Howard is also in attendance, but he's innocent of Duo's hijinks. -wink, wink-</p><p>Liberal use of explosives, complete abuse of nature, no attempt at sense-making, crack ridden and unapologetic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A T-Bomb on Your Head

**Author's Note:**

> I am dedicating the re-posting of this fic to the memory of Robin Williams, may he always be remembered for the amazing person he was and may his works continue to inspire and invoke laughter and love. I hope you're up there at the pearly gates and that you have finally found the peace you had so much trouble finding here on Earth. You will always be in my heart.
> 
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> 
> __  
> **Robin Williams, July 21, 1951 - August 11, 2014**  
> 

"Duo… dare I ask what you're doing?" Quatre inquired as he walked into the living room and found said person giving what looked like mouth to mouth to a fork.

"She won't wake up!" Duo cried, clutching the eating utensil like it was a lover. "I caught her doing cocaine earlier and she got a nosebleed and passed out and I can't wake her UP!"

The blonde, who was now for perhaps the millionth time questioning the mental health of his friend, cocked his head to the side and stared. Duo stared back, unblinking. Slowly he took the fork and stuffed it under the couch cushion before smiling brightly.

"We'll never mention this again, right? Right!"

Heero walked into the room just as Duo jumped up to exit. Grabbing the back collar of the eccentric pilot's shirt, he pinned him with a dark stare.

"And what are we doing today?"

"Nothing at all, why would you ask such a funny question that has no answer? I'M FINE! Don't look at me with that tone of voice, I'm not crazy. I'm not." Duo glared at the person who was currently holding his clothing in a vice grip. "At least I never blew myself up!"

With that Duo ran out of the room, part of his shirt ripping off in Heero's hand

* * *

It was Duo's favorite holiday and he was excited. Aside from Heero's glarey-eyed death threat this morning, (which Duo SO did not deserve, _anyone_ would've put a loaded gun in the microwave for twenty minutes to see what happened! He was making science!) nothing was going to bring the braided pilot down from his happy mood. You see, on this day of Turkey Duo had made a plan. A plot. An evil scheme. A… humorous idea that would be put into effect soon. He'd decided, after being threatened by the overly-aggressive pilot 01, that Heero needed a new catch phrase. "I will kill you." was just getting old! And boring! And old!

So, as the guests - consisting of Relena-banshee-stalker-Peacecraft, Zechs-seriously-dude-you're-fooling-no-one-with-that-mask-Merquise and Howard-Duo-doesn't-know-last-name-but-awesome-shades-dude-who-Duo-owes-money-Howard- piled in to enjoy the Thanksgiving meal that Quatre and Trowa were preparing, Duo moved to put his plan into action. He walked into the kitchen, donning his most innocent look when the two occupants turned their gaze on him. Trowa looked slightly suspicious while Quatre looked resigned to his fate. Heh, he knew Duo so well.

"What is it Duo?" The latter asked lightly, tapping a wooden spoon against the saucepan in which he was stirring gravy.

"I just wanted to know if I could… help." Said person asked with a charming smile. That wasn't fooling anyone.

"I don't know… don't you want to go annoy Heero or Relena? Or watch television until the food is done? You've never been one to take part in the preparation." The blonde said with reluctance as Duo padded over to him slowly.

"Please? I just want to do my part and help out! I know you must get tired of being everyone's maid around here. Come on, in the spirit of the holiday!"

"Fine… you can take over stirring the gravy." Quatre relented, wincing when Trowa shot him a look as if to ask _"Are you flippin' crazy?"_

"YAY! Thank you Q-man!" Duo exclaimed happily, bouncing up and down to the stove.

And so it was that the three Gundam pilots slaved over the stove and dishes, preparing a meal that  _no one_ would soon forget. The food would be good too. Just as they were pulling the turkey out of the oven a noise startled all but one of them. It sounded like a bomb had gone off. Trowa and Quatre jumped in surprise, while Duo tacked a mask of bewilderment to his features that was actually kind of believable. Sort of. But honestly not really.

"What was that?" The Sandrock pilot asked nervously, Trowa already making his way out of the kitchen to check. Duo turned to his companion with a shrug.

"I don't know, why don't you go check? I can handle this until you get back." He said with utmost sincerity. Quatre looked undecided for a moment before Duo gently pushed him toward the door. "Go. It will be fine, I promise."

Barely holding in a maniac laugh the Deathscythe pilot watched as the blonde left him alone in the kitchen. His plan was going  _very_  smoothly. Turning his attention back to the star of the show he was going to put on, Duo eyed the turkey with a critical look.

"Yes, yes… you will do just nicely." He chuckled evilly before setting everything up while whistling what sounded suspiciously like the classic,  _Great Balls of Fire_.

* * *

"That was so odd." Relena said as everyone sat down at the table to enjoy the meal that the three Gundam pilots had prepared. The other diners all nodded in agreement to her statement. "I don't understand how a plant could just spontaneously combust?"

"Eh, it can't." Quatre replied as he scooped some mashed potatoes onto his plate and then passed the platter to Trowa, who was seated next to him. "Someone planted a low caliber grenade in the soil. That's what made it explode."

"Who would be demented enough to blow up a damn potted plant?" Howard asked as he gave a barely noticeable glance to the braided man sitting on his left.

"Who ever did it will have to pay severely in the next life. Exploding fauna is just bad karma." Wufei announced with a grave nod of his head as he put a serving of beans on his plate.

"Normally I'd have blamed Duo for doing this, because Duo is behind everything that goes wrong, but he was apparently indisposed in the kitchen with Trowa and Quatre when the explosive went off." Heero said, pinning a glare at the Deathscythe pilot. There was something fishy going on here, and if the person who'd blown up the bonsai tree was in fact Duo then Heero had a bullet waiting to go up said person's unmentionable.

"I don't think that anyone is to blame. Honestly, that tree has been looking depressed for days, it probably nicked a grenade off of one of us five and blew its self up. Suicidal son of a bitch. ANYWAY!" Duo proclaimed loudly, tired of the subject of plant deaths. Especially because he  _had_  in fact ordered the blowing of the plant to pieces. He had accomplices  _everywhere._ All part of his grand plan, you see. "This stuff's good, if I do say so myself."

Quatre frowned. "Duo, you only made the gravy. And you don't have any gravy on your plate."

"Yes but my presence enhanced the flavors of everything." Duo said with a dramatic flair. Quatre sighed.

"You and Trowa did an admirable job on the food, Quatre. Regardless of the idiot's input." Wufei commented kindly. And unkindly. Duo gave him the stink eye.

"Yes, it is quite delicious. Who will be carving the turkey tonight, if I may ask?" Zechs questioned curiously. At that everyone got quiet, looking around to see if anyone would volunteer. It was then that they heard a low and steady beeping emitting from somewhere near the food.

"What's that?" Relena queried, the sound of her voice like nails on a chalk board. Puppies and kittens were dropping dead because she was speaking. Plantlife was wilting. Babies were crying. Duo might be being a tad over-dramatic.

"If I didn't know any better…" Wufei started, eyes wide as he rose from his seat.

"I'd say that sounded like…" Quatre continued, slowly inching out of his chair.

"But that's impossible, it couldn't be..." Trowa countered as he stared at the many plates of food, as if looking for the one that would play such a practical joke on them. If food objects were alive and could consciously play a joke. Which maybe they can, Duo doesn't claim to know the inner workings of foodstuffs. Moving along.

"But still, I'd swear it was…" Zechs mumbled with a furrowed brow. Howard had already, not-suspiciously at all, hidden under the table and Quatre was slowly backing away from the food.

"A bomb." Heero finished their incomplete sentences. Duo snickered and ducked under the table with Howard, and as soon as he did so the bomb blew. The turkey exploded, chunks of bird flying in all directions, dishes nearby mere victims in the blast and their containers shattering from the aftershocks. The peas would never be the same again and Duo was sure the broccoli was going to have horrible PTSD - which was fine, Duo hated the little shits anyway.

With a growl Heero wiped the remnants of the bird from his face, glaring at the seat that Duo had previously occupied.

"Duo…" He thundered. "I'm going to kill you!"

"HEEERO!" Relena shrieked as she took in the mess that now decorated her pink dress. Her  _favorite_  pink dress.

"Relena, stuff it! We have more important things to worry about than your ear-drum splitting screeches of Heero's name. And on that subject, seriously do you know any other syllables? Like, what the hell woman, shrieking a man's name is not the way to get him to want to bang you. As a matter of fact, stop trying to get Heero to want to bang you. Ain't happening, sister." Duo shot out from underneath the table and sent a glare at said girl.

"How  _dare_ -" She began but Duo promptly cut her off,

"Moving along. Heero, you have a problem and this is… an intervention."

" _Excuse_ me?" Said person asked with an arched eyebrow. "What the hell are you talking about, idiot?"

"You have an addiction with the phrase "I'll kill you." And it needs to be stopped. Now. It's not healthy. Think of the children!"

"…" Heero didn't know whether to hit the braided pilot or leave the room. He chose the former.

"Hey! That _hurt!_  That's just so cruel. No appreciation these days, man. Now-" Duo began but was cut off by Wufei.

"What did blowing up the turkey have to do with an intervention for Heero?"

"I'm getting to that, if you'd just-" Once more he was cut off, this time by Trowa.

"I'm assuming you're the one who blew up the bonsai tree?"

"If you'd let me-" Duo was, annoyingly, again cut off.

"He must've, since he blew up the turkey." Zechs said with conviction.

"I am trying-" At this point Duo began to plot murder, again being spoken over.

"Now what are we going to eat? The turkey's gone man and that ain't cool. I was promised there would be bird!" Howard said with a slight whine.

"SHUT UP!" Duo bellowed. When the quiet fell he turned his irritated gaze upon Howard. "Stop trying to act innocent, you're the one who blew up the damn bonsai tree."

"It was your idea!"

"SO? Not like you've never decided to blow up forestry before! Hell, you'd probably end up putting it in your damn pipe and smoking it you good for nothing stoner!"

"Now that was below the belt!  _You've_  smoked too!"

"Only two times! And that's-" Duo was once more cut off as he was advancing threateningly toward his friend, fists clenched.

"WHAT DO EXPLODING TURKEYS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?" Quatre shouted, at the end of his patience. He was infuriated over his dinner being ruined, curious about why Duo would do so, and peeved at the argument that was giving him a headache.

"Oh, that. Well," Duo said with a grin, turning his violet gaze to the person he'd done all this for. Heero glared at him, unimpressed. "It's for your new catchphrase!"

"…What?" Trowa asked in confusion.

"Yeah! How cool would that be? Instead of saying "I'll kill you." Heero would say, "I'll T-bomb you." It just flows, yeah?"

"…He's a complete imbecile." Zechs muttered in fascination.

"Well, at least one problem's solved." Wufei said lightly and everyone looked at him in question. "The turkey was carved."

A round of laughs began and everyone sat down to finish their meals, ignoring Duo who was still blabbering about t-bombs and combustive plants. It was, as previously said, a Thanksgiving to remember. Especially for Duo, who was already plotting Christmas mayhem.

Shortly after everyone had left for their own homes and the turkey mess had been cleaned, four of the five pilots were already asleep while Duo was doing the dishes as punishment for his crime. Ahem,  _artistry_.

Duo was just drying the last plate when a cold chill ran down his spine, indicating that there was something behind him. He held still, gripping the plate like a weapon. A breath blew across his ear as a familiar voice spoke lowly.

"Duo… if you ever do something like that again… I will T-bomb you."

With shock Duo realized that the voice was Heero's. When he turned to grin at the other pilot for using his word, there was no one there. Laughing in happiness, he turned around and finished his work.

**Author's Note:**

> Whilst in the middle of filling out the information for this one-shot here on AO3 and editing it, news broke of Robin Williams's suicide. This man was a pillar of my childhood and his work helped to form the person I became as an adult- a kind, caring person with a love of laughter and life.
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> _**Suicide is not a fucking joke.** It's not for attention, it's not selfish, it's not a matter for ridicule. It's someone who is so tormented by life that they don't want to even **exist** anymore. If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, seek help. If it's you, know that the way you feel does not have to be hopeless or permanent. There is a way to dig yourself out of it and reclaim your peace and happiness. All you have to do is take the outstretched hands there to help you. For more info go to: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call 1-800-273-8255. Please, don't hesitate to utilize resources available to you. This might sound crass, but will trying make you feel any worse? My heart goes out to anyone in this situation._


End file.
